A Mad Man’s Rant…

I’m not going to beat around the bush. I need to vent. I must clear my head and get this off of my chest, today. Now. This very second! Before I explode…

First, don’t let people shit you; it does not get any easier with time. I lost my son, Kent, 1 year, 4 months, 23 days and 20 hours ago… Today, I woke up in a foul mood; depressed, angry, full of rage, filled with regrets. Living with the loss of a child is indescribably painful, empty and without hope; but – you are expected to go on… Today, it is hard to breathe. I feel like I’ve been repeatedly hit in the gut, all-over, again.

I miss my fucking kid, goddammit! My despair is so great, so deep, that I had to leave my job; (how can I be pleasant with the American people, when I just want to beat the shit out of someone…) Driving home on I-15, I couldn’t stop the tears, or – the boiling anger I have inside of me. I resolved to go to Kent’s grave, but as I went to make the turn for the cemetery, I couldn’t bring myself to go there. I can’t stand the idea of seeing that slab of granite; his name and favorite baseball team etched upon its surface. And, as I think of him laying there, now, writing this, the tears are flowing, again… Maybe, I just need a good bawl-baby day; but – I’m entitled to that, aren’t I?

Am I being selfish? Is it wrong for me to want to see his twinkling blue eyes, to hear his all-to-unique laugh, to hear him go round-for-round with his smartass dad, (’cause, by God, I taught both of my children the art of smartassery, and – they are masters…) Kent was a good, tender-hearted kid, (despite his 6’3″ 260lb build and blond soccer ball sized-head); but he loved to banter and laugh, usually at his own expense. I miss that.

So much has happened since Kent departed this Earth, and I want to share my experiences with him. I want to show him the Boba Fett sketch that Joe Corroney drew in my Star Wars Trilogy hardcover. I want to show him the the Star Trek comic book anthology that Joe Berenato, Dayton Ward, Kevin Dilmore, Bob Greenberger, and Keith DeCandido signed for me at ShoreLeaveCon; (having, since-added, Joe Corroney’s signature at SLCC). I want to show him the comic book that I had my question submitted in, and tell him about my character-namesake in Dayton Ward’s Star Trek novel! What did I do to warrant immortality in a book, but my son had to leave us, too soon, with no mark of his own to leave behind? Yes…I’m angry, and sad… One day, if I get the opportunity to write a novel, I’ll make this kid my main character; because, he was – is – my hero.

I want to share my comic con experiences; (Hell, I want to take him to comic con). I want to talk about the upcoming Star Trek 50th anniversary movie and Star Wars Episode VII. I want to invite him to my Batman Facebook page! I want to show him the Steve Austin and Jaime Sommers action figures, and the Bionic Transport and Repair Station David has gifted to me; to show him how kids used to play, back in-the-day… I just want to take him for a ride and talk; to tell him I ‘came out’ and share with him how liberating that moment was. I want to hug him, again, and – let him know how much I love him. I want to hear him laugh…

I want the pain and sorrow to go-the-fuck away… But, I must go on; I need to be strong and move forward. Time marches on… I still have Erica and I need to be there for her, if nothing else. Which, in-turn, leads every parent who’s lost a kid, to worry, incessantly, about the ones who remain: if I can lose one, what’s to say I won’t lose the other(s)? Nothing. I became a member of this dreadful club in the blink of an eye, and…it could happen, again… (Sighs heavily) And-yet, I can’t wallow in that gloom, either. Just writing this has helped…

Folks, thanks for letting me vent. Thanks for reading, if you’re here. If you have kids, love the shit out of them, right NOWWW! Go give them a hug, tell them you love them with every fiber in your body, and – listen to them laugh…

Thanks…

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